PODCAST
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79. How Do You Torture It? - Guest Preacher Ashley Brooke Roberts
Released on 07/16/2019
Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another.
Guest Preacher: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast)
Invocation
A Surprise for a Lost Woman
Liturgical Reading: “How Do You Torture It?”
Concluding Prayer
The Story is hiding inside you. Take a spoon and find it!
78. There When You Need Me
Released on 07/09/2019
When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright, my good friend?" Yeah yeah, don't tell me your secrets, no no, keep that to yourself. Listen righteously, because this one "happened."
Invocation
Demonstration of A Novel Life Saving Technique/GreaCR
Liturgical Reading: “There When You Need Me”
Concluding Prayer
No! I said, "don't tell me your secrets!" Well, that does it. Yeah, I didn't want to know your secrets, but now I do. Yep, heh heh, every gosh darn one. Now you have to come back. Otherwise I'll tell Uncle Garnns what you did to his cherry tomatoes one after another after ANOTHER.
77. After The Attack
Released on 07/02/2019
We collected signatures to change the name of New York City to “Storytown USA.” The governor saw our thousands of signatures, frowned, bent over, and licked the paper until he consumed every one. “Your names are mine!” He grinned, tongue black as ink. This Story is what happens to your city when you deny it the STORY.
Featuring: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast)
Invocation
MORE Petitions for Chalms
Liturgical Reading: “After the Attack”
Concluding Prayer
In exactly seven days, if you hear the Story again, the Story will bless you and fondle your ancestors with the smooth touch of Story.
76. Burying
Released on 06/25/2019
Unsolicited acts of violence are the yeast that makes the doughy truth of Story rise, overfill Its pan, and crisp on the oven floor. Bash! Ungh! Guuugh. Yeah, sometimes these Stories get grisly, and when they do, we just gotta shake our heads and whisper, “ohhhh.” Enjoy this tender tale of friendship to which we can allllll relate.
Invocation
Psalm: “A Sack Full of Batteries”
Liturgical Reading: “Burying”
Concluding Prayer
Next week we return with a brand new Story for you to swallow, dissolve, and absorb.
74. Goats and Sheep
Released on 06/18/2019
Yeah this one’s for Chalms. That sweet tot, so sickly, so goo goo gooey. We found him in a tree! Reflect, as Chalms must, on the end of all days, when the good are divided from the evil. Witness as the false Story some call “Lord” does their regular spring cleaning of humanity.
Invocation
Petitions for Chalms
Liturgical Reading: “Goats and Sheep”
Concluding Prayer
Yes yes, this week’s Story comes from our season one archives. Next week will be the same, then we return fresh, rested, and eager to instruct our congregants.
73. Grunster and the Gruntmunks
Released on 06/11/2019
Children are produced by squishes and sweat. A Gruntmunk is not so different, except unlike a child, it SINGS. May we all become Gruntmunks, those cherubs of pop music and the forebears of the Story.
Invocation
Psalm: “Eighteen Dog Bird Hogs ”
Liturgical Reading: “Grunster and the Gruntmunks”
Concluding Prayer
Next week we will witness the Story together, and if you blink we’ll get MAD at you.
72. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi
Released on 06/04/2019
Larvae grow up, sniff sniff, and they change! Mutation and abomination is built into the lifespan of the insect, phases of unconscionable puberty inflicted on the lil bug, boo hoo. Shed a tear for the beetles, for they know tragedy. This is a Part 2. The Story forbids listen unless you did your Story duty with Part 1. Yeah, we PUNISH in this church.
Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)
Invocation
Psalm: “Big Sassy Kitty”
Liturgical Reading: “The Smallest Beetle OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2”
Concluding Prayer
Our bugtruth complete, may we now go out to our communities and bring our insectoid neighbors IN. Next week we’ll have something fresh and stupid for you.
71. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi
Released on 05/28/2019
When humanity is gone, the world will have a good laugh, comb its balding scalp, and ‘get back to it.’ What will the remaining species think of us, and what might they build in our shadow? The following Story is no Story at all, but a documentary that simply hasn’t happened yet! Yeah, this one is all true, yeah, this is a goddamn prophecy, a prophecy about BUGS.
Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)
Invocation
Psalm: “I Have Decided to Live in Filth”
Liturgical Reading: “The Smallest Beetle OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1”
Concluding Prayer
Part 2 of this hissing, clicking Story will arrive next week and incapacitate you with its wholesome truth.
70. Iron Churnsly - Guest Preacher Jake Young
Released on 05/21/2019
Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, and our capacity to conduct is negligible! May we scorn flesh, and praise metal! METAL—the most cost-effective conduit of Story proper.
Guest Preacher: Jake Young (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, Cartoon Hell on dropout.tv, @bestjakeyoung)
Invocation
Psalm: “Greasy”
Liturgical Reading: “Iron Churnsly”
Concluding Prayer
Next Tuesday will be the day the Story finds you and finally robs you of your will to resist the Story.
69. Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One
Released on 05/14/2019
The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when they spell out our demise, they use novel letters and innovative techniques. We can learn from a grisly undoing done cleverly, but what we cannot learn is to not be undone. Darn!
Invocation
Psalm: “Hungry Man Dinner”
Liturgical Reading: “Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One”
Concluding Prayer
Return to us Tuesday and the Story will be waiting for you.
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