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The Story Must Be Told

89. The Forgotten Man - The Story Must Be Told

89. The Forgotten Man

Released on 10/29/2019

Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move. Invocation The Matter of Chalms’ Disappearance Liturgical Reading: “The Forgotten Man” A Baptism VIDEOS. Yes! VIDEOS! Watch: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
88. The Passage Of Memory - The Story Must Be Told

88. The Passage Of Memory

Released on 10/15/2019

Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh! Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him. Invocation Devon’s Birthday Memories Liturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory” The Matter of Chalms’ Identity We have videos! Oh so many for your eyes and gentle mouths. Watch here: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
87. He Thinks He’s Sklorripu - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely - The Story Must Be Told

87. He Thinks He’s Sklorripu - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely

Released on 10/01/2019

Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS. Guest Preacher Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Waxy Slime Liturgical Reading: “He Thinks He’s Sklorripu” Concluding Metamorphosis Swell on it wholesale. Plump on the newest video at youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
85. Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd" - The Story Must Be Told

85. Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd"

Released on 09/03/2019

Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS*. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Podcast: The Brighter Side, Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross, Thick Skin with Jeff Ross, Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Chalms is teething! Cardinal Ed Larson in Took'd! Concluding Prayer We have some real hotty totty videos coming out. The newest one will drop on Thursday UH HUHHHH. * All celebrity voices impersonated flawlessly.
A Message To The Congregation - The Story Must Be Told

A Message To The Congregation

Released on 08/27/2019

In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation.
84. The Object Therapist - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman - The Story Must Be Told

84. The Object Therapist - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman

Released on 08/20/2019

Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient. Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (“The Week Of” on Netflix, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting) Invocation Psalm: “Pain Cereal” Liturgical Reading: “The Object Therapist” Concluding Prayer We love you. We beg the Story to treat you right. Heh heh, we’ll see if It listens.
83. Come On Ride A Train - The Story Must Be Told

83. Come On Ride A Train

Released on 08/13/2019

Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo. Invocation The Rite of the Blessing Hose Liturgical Reading: “Come on Ride a Train” Concluding Prayer This is likely the last of our refurbished Stories from the apocrypha of season 1. Embrace it like your son returned to you after six years exile. Next week, we’ll have something sweet and new, ooh, and your son will leave you again.
82. Last Impressions - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski - The Story Must Be Told

82. Last Impressions - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski

Released on 08/06/2019

Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell) Invocation Impressions of the Clergy Liturgical Reading: “Last Impressions” Concluding Prayer Next week we got something spicy, and it’ll get you grinning, most like.
81. The Auction - The Story Must Be Told

81. The Auction

Released on 07/30/2019

What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B**?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth. Invocation Cooking with the Story Liturgical Reading: “The Auction” Tasting We return next week with a hot truth ready to blister in your sweet mouth.
80. The Famous Man - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski - The Story Must Be Told

80. The Famous Man - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski

Released on 07/23/2019

I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for a Gooey Congregation Liturgical Reading: “The Famous Man” Concluding Prayer Don’t forget to punish yourself. For what? Oh, congregant, you know. YOU know.
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