PODCAST
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89. The Forgotten Man
Released on 10/29/2019
Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move.
Invocation
The Matter of Chalms’ Disappearance
Liturgical Reading: “The Forgotten Man”
A Baptism
VIDEOS. Yes! VIDEOS! Watch: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
88. The Passage Of Memory
Released on 10/15/2019
Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh!
Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him.
Invocation
Devon’s Birthday Memories
Liturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory”
The Matter of Chalms’ Identity
We have videos! Oh so many for your eyes and gentle mouths. Watch here: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
87. He Thinks He’s Sklorripu - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely
Released on 10/01/2019
Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS.
Guest Preacher Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, holdenatorsho on Twitch)
Invocation
Waxy Slime
Liturgical Reading: “He Thinks He’s Sklorripu”
Concluding Metamorphosis
Swell on it wholesale. Plump on the newest video at youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
85. Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd"
Released on 09/03/2019
Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS*.
Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Podcast: The Brighter Side, Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross, Thick Skin with Jeff Ross, Roundtable of Gentlemen)
Invocation
Chalms is teething!
Cardinal Ed Larson in Took'd!
Concluding Prayer
We have some real hotty totty videos coming out. The newest one will drop on Thursday UH HUHHHH.
* All celebrity voices impersonated flawlessly.
A Message To The Congregation
Released on 08/27/2019
In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation.
84. The Object Therapist - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman
Released on 08/20/2019
Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient.
Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (“The Week Of” on Netflix, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting)
Invocation
Psalm: “Pain Cereal”
Liturgical Reading: “The Object Therapist”
Concluding Prayer
We love you. We beg the Story to treat you right. Heh heh, we’ll see if It listens.
83. Come On Ride A Train
Released on 08/13/2019
Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo.
Invocation
The Rite of the Blessing Hose
Liturgical Reading: “Come on Ride a Train”
Concluding Prayer
This is likely the last of our refurbished Stories from the apocrypha of season 1. Embrace it like your son returned to you after six years exile. Next week, we’ll have something sweet and new, ooh, and your son will leave you again.
82. Last Impressions - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski
Released on 08/06/2019
Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh.
Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell)
Invocation
Impressions of the Clergy
Liturgical Reading: “Last Impressions”
Concluding Prayer
Next week we got something spicy, and it’ll get you grinning, most like.
81. The Auction
Released on 07/30/2019
What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B**?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth.
Invocation
Cooking with the Story
Liturgical Reading: “The Auction”
Tasting
We return next week with a hot truth ready to blister in your sweet mouth.
80. The Famous Man - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
Released on 07/23/2019
I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you.
Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)
Invocation
Petitions for a Gooey Congregation
Liturgical Reading: “The Famous Man”
Concluding Prayer
Don’t forget to punish yourself. For what? Oh, congregant, you know. YOU know.
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