Horror Movie Talk

We watched Constantine on HBO Max and I realized that I had a bunch of unfounded ill-will toward this movie, which is pretty good.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

Constantine is about John Constantine (Keanu Reeves), a DC character whose job is essentially to send demons back to hell. Or at least he made it his job when he realized that he was heading there.

He is approached by Angela (Rachel Weisz) and asked to help her prove that her twin sister didn’t commit suicide. As a devout Catholic, Angela realizes that if her sister did actually commit suicide she damned herself to hell.

With the help of his plucky sidekick, Chas (Shia LaBeouf) and some of his friends, John is on the case. 

He finds himself in the middle of a war where the Devil’s son, Mammon, is trying to unleash himself into the world of the living. 

Everyone gets more holy hand grenades than they bargained for.

Review

Constantine is a pretty impressive movie in a couple different ways.

Firstly, it had a large budget and was able to spend a lot of it on CGI monsters and backdrops, which wouldn’t normally be a plus. But this CGI from 2005 actually holds up quite well. 

It also has enough action and interesting characters to keep you involved in the movie from beginning to end. In fact, the Angel Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) and Satan (Peter Stormare) are some of the best depictions of well-known Bible characters that I’ve ever seen on screen.

Constantine doesn’t dwell on the origin story, while still acknowledging it, which is a breath of fresh air in today’s hyper-cookie-cutter style comic book movie world.

By the end of Constantine, if you are bought in on the story the payoff will be pretty impressive.
It’s not without fault, however. This movie came out two years after The Matrix trilogy concluded, and it feels like a direct port of that series in a lot of ways. From the stylized world to the monotone color pallet to starring Keanu as the savior of mankind – it’s uh, kind of obvious. 

Also, it was originally touted as a horror movie and I can see where it threw in scary imagery and concepts to try and please the horror crowd. Make no mistake, this is not what I would call a “hard-horror movie”. This is an action-thriller that dealt with some of the scarier elements of religion, and the studio figured they could get a bigger audience if they could draw the horror crowd. This was my issue with the movie when I originally watched it on the bigscreen.

Overall, it’s a pretty fun movie that I would watch again after a few years. It was a much better Catholic horror movie than The Nun, so there’s that.

Score

7/10

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Mad God is the new Phil Tippett stop motion animation movie available exclusively on Shudder. In this Patreon only review, we talk a lot about this movie and what we loved and hated about it.

To support our show and gain access to the following Patreon only Pretentious reviews, support us on Patreon!

Movies you can only hear us review on Patreon:

• Mad God (2022)
• The Vanishing
• Cat People (1942)
• Zombie (1979)
• Cemetery Man (1994)
• Psycho
• The Last House on the Left (1972)
• Don’t Look Now
• The Void
• Hausu (House)
• Ghoulies
• Greenland
• Army of the Dead
• Cabin in the Woods
• Dead Alive / Braindead
• Basket Case

For Pride month this year, we decided to review a great LGBTQ+ horror movie. Saying Stranger By The Lake is a horror movie, is pretty generous, since it is more on the light end of thriller. But what it lacks in horror, it makes up in homoeroticism.

Synopsis

At a French lake, Franke spends his summer days cruising for gay sex. Along the way he befriends the pudgy middle-aged depressive Henri who is ostensibly bisexual, but has no interest in sex, but provides good conversation. Franke sees a gay French Tom Selleck-type at the lake named Michel and is instantly attracted to him. Michel seems to be involved with someone else, but when Franke spies Michel drowning his presumed boyfriend, Franke decides to shoot his shot. 

Review of Strange By The Lake (L’inconnu du lac)

This is an understated erotic thriller that could also be considered a black comedy. It explores themes of lust, relationships, commitment, loyalty, hot hot steamy cock.

This was on a list of “gay horror films” that I came across, and I hadn’t heard it, but the set up seemed intriguing. A man witnesses a murder, but decides “doesn’t matter, still got laid”.

It is an engaging thriller, but calling it a horror movie is being pretty generous with the genre. The last 10 mins or so could be considered horror, but the bulk of the film is mostly drama. By drama, I mean explicit, unsimulated gay sex.

To say that there is gay sex in this movie is an understatement. It is basically soft core gay porn for a good 60% of the film. In past episodes, we have advocated for more full frontal male nudity, and more sex in films. Well, be careful what you wish for.

I’ll admit that most of my enjoyment came from knowing that I was forcing David to watch this, because if I had known how hard it would go, I probably wouldn’t have suggested it.

However, I actually really liked this film. Like I said it is understated in that it says a lot with a few words. The script is very tight, and the characters intriguing. The acting is great, and a lot is communicated through glances and silences.

Score

7/10

Stranger By The Lake

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We went and saw Crimes of the Future and witnessed David Cronenberg‘s return to body horror in one of the most upsetting films of the year.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

Crimes of the Future is a story about the far flung future, where the earth has succumb to environmental havoc wreaked on it by the human race. Humanity has been treated with pain-killers for so long that the concept of physical pain is novel. 

Our protagonists are Saul Tensor (Viggo Mortensen) and Caprice (Léa Seydoux), who’s art is performative surgery that seems to be extremely sexual in nature. 

Saul Tensor is like a portion of humanity who finds himself growing auxiliary organs that make his life extremely uncomfortable. From eating to sleeping, Saul never finds himself far from discomfort, which is strange, given how much of humanity seems to experience so little in terms of feeling that they intentionally mutilate themselves to feel anything at all.

A young child named Brecken is murdered by his mother for eating a plastic trash can in the opening scene of this movie. A complicated game of cat and mouse between a shady government agency and a splinter cell of candybar aficionados takes place surrounding Brecken’s death.

Does art imitate life? Will humanity embrace their inevitable evolution? 

Review

Crimes of the Future is the result of 50 years of doom and gloom reporting on humanities shaping of our environment. This future is one that you’ve had visions of every time you hear a news report of the trash island in the Pacific. A humanity made perverse by its own inability to react to itself.

More than that, this is a return to intense body horror for renowned writer, director David Cronenburg. 

I have to admit, Crimes of the Future hones in on my most intense personal terror – surgical imagery. I first found this personal weakness in the fourth grade when my teacher went into vivid detail in describing how doctors removed her brain tumor. I felt sweaty and weak, and soon passed out on my desk.

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Since then, I’ve come a long way in my ability to deal with thoughts and descriptions of surgery. Crimes of the Future cracked me by fusing surgery with sexuality and kink. There is something so perverse in the concept of sexualizing voluntary surgery that i found myself sweating and my vision blurring like I was back in the fourth grade.

The world that Crimes of the Future takes place in is so bleak and sad, I found myself wishing that the movie would end.

The concepts within are terribly interesting and well-presented. Questions like, “What is natural?” and “How do you deal with admiration if the thing that people admire about you is what you most hate about yourself?” crop up all over this masterpiece. There is no shortage of thought-provoking concepts and questions to keep your head busy for ages.

I can honestly say that I’ve never felt this uncomfortable watching a movie that Horror Movie Talk has reviewed. I can say that the most uncomfortable parts for me were within the first and second act. I contemplated leaving the theater after a particular scene, but I’m glad I didn’t because the end had less revolting content and more interesting questions.

A worthwhile movie that is sure to make you feel uncomfortable on a variety of levels. While it’s not as universally relatable as the performance given by Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, it’s very close to it.

Score

9/10

This film is the epitome of body horror, done by the master of body horror: David Cronenberg. If you have never seen The Fly, you’ll definitely be saying to yourself “Ew, David”.

Synopsis

Jeff Goldblum plays Seth Brundle, a brilliant scientist that has successfully developed a working transporter. When he shows it to Geena Davis’ Veronica Quaife there are still a few kinks to work out with transporting living tissue. Vis-à-vis keeping the insides in. In an impulsive moment, after he corrects the issue, he decided to transport himself as the first human subject. However, he was so preoccupied with whether he could, and didn’t stop to think if he should. As time goes on, he slowly realizes that something went wrong and his body experiences a terrifying metamorphosis. 

Review of The Fly (1986)

The Fly still works. David Cronenberg, the director, has made his career off of pushing the limits, and in this movie, by doing so, he creates one of the best body horror movies ever filmed.

This film won an Oscar for best makeup for good reason. Seth Brundle’s slow transformation moves from the superficial to the grotesque so gradually, that you still think of him as a man even when he becomes a straight up monster. That is actually a big benefit to the film, because you maintain empathy for an utterly disgusting creature up to the final shot of the film.

Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum work really well together, and have excellent chemistry on screen, which makes sense because they eventually married for several years. Davis’ performance really grounds the film for the audience, because we are really watching all of the events of the film from the perspective of Veronica Quaife. Her reactions of wonder and horror really sells the special effects that we witness.

Jeff Goldblum is the perfect casting for a mad scientist, as the character’s eccentricities are utterly believable coming from him. Although, I have to say, this is only about 50% Goldbluhm compared to how eccentric he is today.

Overall, the story, characters and special effects are all masterful and don’t age a bit in the 36 years since its release.

Score

10/10

The Fly Collection

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Horrorrble Videos (NSFL)

We went and saw Men and, for most men it will be a similar viewing experience to staring into a mirror for an hour and a half.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

Men is a movie about a woman named Harper (Jessie Buckley), because of course you can’t have men without women – or can you?

Harper has recently lost her husband to a fit of passion that looks an awful lot like a spiteful suicide on his part. She has decided to take a vacation in the countryside to get her wits about herself and is met by a bunch of MEN.

These MEN range from pleasantly goofy to downright terrifying. One through line with all the MEN she encounters is that they are all somewhat simple, aloof, or pleasantly dimwitted. There is one exception to that rule in the priest.

As her stay in the countryside progresses she is visited by a spectre of manhood, and her experiences become increasingly more surreal and alarming. She calls the police to help her, but the police department is full of MEN.

As things spiral out of control, the audience is given a barrage of horrendous body horror that is clearly meant to depict the female/male dichotomy in the most unpleasant ways imaginable.

Harper definitely gets more MEN than she bargained for.

Review

Men is an interesting movie and the third full length feature film that writer, director Alex Garland has made. Because it was made by a man, I feel comfortable saying that its pretty accurate. Although, it’s somewhat problematic that Garland assumes to know what the female perspective is, which could be said to be his inherent male privilege shining through.

Men is an attempt to satirize males and give the audience a reference point for what it might be like living as a woman. It takes symbolism to the next level by starting as a straight ahead narrative story that slowly morphs into a nightmare of dreamlike sequences that can’t possibly be real.

It shares a lot in common with the recent Finish movie Hatching (Pahanhautoja) in that it is an allegory that will probably be the hardest to watch for those who would most benefit from it. There are undeniable truths within the subtle feelings provided by Men that are so on-the-nose that they can’t be summed up in words.

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Many will take issue with this movie for a variety of reasons, but the only issue I have with it is the title. By titling this movie “Men” it betrays a bias, and others those who would benefit the most from watching it. “Toxic masculinity” as a label would probably be a much more effective term that everyone was able to agree on if it weren’t othering males and was instead just referred to as “Toxicity”.

Perhaps the best way to heal divisions and painful histories is to work together to end the trend of “othering” those who have wronged us, and try our best to forgive, while acknowledging our differences.

This movie does that – it acknowledges the differences between men and women while pointing out the issues that  many men have.

The title was chosen to be divisive, and take advantage of the angst present between men and women, which is ironic because the content of the movie does a decent job of being fair to men and women alike.

It’s a well-done movie, if very slow in some parts. 

People who will enjoy Men might include:

• Women
• Open-minded men
• Body horror fans
• Psychological horror fans
• Thriller fans

People who probably won’t enjoy Men might include:

• Toxic people
• Many men
• Those who don’t do well with gore and body horror

Score

8/10

Synopsis

An American man marries a Serbian immigrant who fears that she will turn into the cat person of her homeland’s fables if they are intimate together.

Review of Cat People (1942)

Like most movies from the 40s, there is a lot of things you have to get used to stylistically before you can see through the time period and production quality to get to the value of the film. A few films stand out as familiar because they figured out a lot of movie making tricks that survive till today. Cat People is one of them, especially for the horror genre. Cat people is notable because it is the first to use the jump scare. It was created at a time when RKO was struggling financially, and was looking to make a quick buck off of the Universal horror recipe. Low budget monster movies with high returns.

Cat People was made from a shoestring budget of $134,000 which would be about 2.5 million today. It made back (by some estimates) 30x.

It’s vague in all the right places and has a very spare and lightning fast script. Again, if you can look past the time period, or at least appreciate it in context, this is a really good and thought provoking movie.

Just like prodigy sang: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter; You’re a firestarter, twisted firestarter. This Blumhouse remake of the 80s classic is more twisted, but is it worth a watch? Listen to our review to find out.

Synopsis

Firestarter is the second adaptation to Stephen King’s 8th novel. It tells the story of a young girl Charlie (Ryan Kiera Armstrong) trying to control her supernatural power to set things on fire with her mind. After an accident in school, she finds herself on the run from the law and a mysterious government agency with her psychic father (Zac Efron). The government agency sends a telepathic native american assassin named Rainbird to track down Charlie and return her for testing.

In the end, everyone gets more fire than they bargained for.

Review of Firestarter (2022)

This was an ok movie. I don’t know if anyone was clamoring for a remake of the 1984 Drew Barrymore film, but here it is. It is very quickly paced, and it gets off to a quick start, but it suffers from a lack of character development early on. The supernatural elements are handled very matter of factly and almost seems too common in the world for it to be surprising to anyone.

Where the film really shines (no pun intended) is when things get set on fire by Charlie. It’s unavoidable that you are going to have a good time watching her on a rampage at the end of the film.

I wasn’t blown away by it (no pun intended), and it does seem like an unnecessary remake/adaptation, but Blumhouse has found a market for remakes that no one is asking for, and it’s going to serve it god damn it. I was pretty bored with the first two acts. The problem with presenting the problem and immediately starting the action in the beginning is that the film ends up basically being the same thing for most of the movie. Some more character development around Charlie, her father, Rainbird, and even the government agency would have made it more engaging and established better stakes. 

It has some fun moments and is worth a watch with friends, but I wouldn’t rush to the theater for it.

Score

5/10

We watched The Sadness before it was available for streaming in the US because we are a big time movie review podcast. I can easily say that this is one of the craziest movies I’ve ever seen, and will stick with me for a long time.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

The Sadness follows boyfriend Jim (Berant Zhu) and girlfriend Kat (Regina Lei) on their normal day in Taiwan. Unfortunately for our couple, this normal day is the day that the Alvin virus hits their city.

The Alvin virus is a pandemic that they’ve been hearing about for a while but no one seems to be taking seriously.

As the virus hits their hometown, people start to die, and worse, rape each other in the streets.

The virus causes people to cry as they assault each other while simultaneously exhibiting total ecstasy in causing pain and torture.

It seems to unlock the most reprehensible parts of people and make them capable of depravity you’ve never even seen in horror movies.

Will Jim and Kat make it through, or will the sadness take them? 

Review

Canadian writer, director Rob Jabbaz brought this manga adaptation of Crossed (Garth Ennis and Alan Moore)to Taiwan to film. This is his first full-length feature film.

Without question, this is one of the most depraved movies I’ve ever seen in terms of dialog. The violence is absolutely absurd and over-the-top. The themes are disgusting, and are meant to cast a light on the absurdities of politicizing a major health concern such as a pandemic. 

I heard a little bit about The Sadness before I watched it, enough to brace myself, which was good because I don’t think I would have enjoyed it otherwise.

The makeup, effects, and execution is unbelievable, rivaling that of similar splatter movies like Braindead / Dead Alive.

This is a slick movie that is well made, and outpaces most action movies handily. It’s also so absurdly disgusting that I imagine many won’t be able to finish it.

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It takes the old premise of zombies and the morality tales that they brought to the silver screen and pops a monster truck engine under the hood before sending you to hell with tears streaming from your eyes.

The Sadness is super gross, but it does have something of a point, which seems to make it easier to take in. 

The non-stop themes of rape, murder, and stupendously disgusting dialog where characters describe in vivid detail the acts of violent sodomy they wish to perform made me so happy that this wasn’t in English. Had I heard those words spoken in a language that I understood, I would have been sickened to my core.

The only movie that I’ve reviewed that left me feeling almost as gross as this was The House that Jack Built.

Not many will be able to get through this one and those who do will have to live with all those nasty thoughts in their head.

Score

8/10

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Don’t let the subtitles turn you off. This is one of the best theatrical horror movie releases of the year. The Hatching will stay with you, especially if you were raised by a narcissist.

Synopsis

Finnish freshman director Hanna Bergholm heads this chilling talk of Tinja, a 12 year old gymnast and her toxic relationship with a giant bird person and  her mother. What begins as a simple tale of hatching a mystical growing forest egg, twists into a disturbing metaphor for the traumatic metamorphosis caused by being raised by a Finnish Laura Dern. 

Review of Hatching (Pahanhautoja)

I really liked this film. I went in with low expectations. The trailer featured some really corny acting, and set it up as a pretty arbitrary story of raising a monster. But it really delivers on an emotional and visceral level.

You really have sympathy and pity on little Tinja as she desperately tries to makes sense of and manage forces way beyond her control. 

The themes throughout are vague enough to be interesting, but explicit enough to draw some connections. Toxic relationships, narcissism, puberty, eating disorders, and hidden lives are all themes that are explored pretty adeptly in a tight 1:27 runtime.

The writing is really good, and develops the characters very well. Some of the lines are a little on the nose, but they are still believable in the context of a family that desperately is putting up the perfect façade under the command of a raging narcissist mother.

Score

9/10

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