Horror Movie Talk

Are you ready for our take on the biggest scam horror movie of 2023? We break down this low effort film with a low effort episode of horror movie talk. We hope Sharon, Lois, and Bram would be happy.

Synopsis

IMDB gives the following synopsis for Skinamarink: Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing, and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished.

That is only ½ true. There are still plenty of doors and windows, because that is were the camera is looking for 90% of the film.

A more accurate description is that Skinamarink is shots of nothing, with no narrative, and the occasional jump scare to scam you into thinking it’s something.

There are two children, but to say the movie is about them is to say The Shining is about the twins. They are there for the same purpose as everything else in the film. To be vaguely creepy.

Review of Skinamarink

As the runtime drags on, the audience realizes that there is a nefarious presence behind everything, pulling the strings with evil intent that is never fully explained. …the director.

I get what this is. It’s challenging. It is an art film that plays with emotions and expectations in a way that is undeniably uncomfortable and creepy.

However, it does feel like a scam. It blows my mind that this was shown in theaters. That’s the most amazing thing about the experience, is that it defies all logic that it exists as a commercial product, and it defies all logic that people will watch it.

This film makes me angry. I was angry that this is considered a movie. I was angry at how cheep the gimmicks were. I was angry that it was still somehow effective, but mostly I was angry that I watched it.

Score

1/10

We went and saw M3gan and were shown what would happen if you allowed a robot to raise your child. Also, there was a crazy rich Asian in it!

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

A hot robotics engineer, Gemma (Allison Williams) strikes paydirt when her sister and brother in-law die and she ends up with her orphan niece, Cady (Violet McGraw).

Now, she can finally test her over-engineered killing machine slash toy on an unsuspecting child-victim that she is the guardian for.

M3gan, is an AI driven toy slash babysitter slash baby SLITTER. She is going to be the toy everyone buys this year, that is if she can convince the archeologists and the lawyer that Jurassic Park, er – M3gan is safe.

Everyone gets more hydraulic death than they bargained for.

Review

M3gan came with a ton of hype, probably because it’s got the high-tier status with Blumhouse, which means their full marketing budget. I can’t say it let me down, but it’s also not blowing my socks off.

This is a better-than-average horror movie with some solid jump scares and a creepy concept that’s similar to that of a Child’s Play movie. 

The idea of your child being raised by a robot is scary enough when all you do is plop them down in front of Youtube. When you plop them down with a silicone covered robot that can wink and has opposable digits, it gets even creepier.

Watch M3gan

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M3gan is scary at times, and quite funny as well. Some of the one liners landed perfectly for me, which was a lot of fun. 

If you are the kind of person who has a hard time not picking movies apart, M3gan is not for you. This is a popcorn munching, good time with friends kind of movie. 

It’s got some great moments, but will be forgotten in a year or two, which is better than being forgotten as quickly as it comes out.

Score

7/10

You know that SNL sketch were it was a trailer for a slasher movie directed by Wes Anderson? Yeah, well this was pretty close.

Synopsis

White Noise tells the story of a blended family led by Jack and Babette as they experience the joy and terror of academia, man-made disasters, and supermarkets. This film is categorized as a comedy/drama/horror, and if it’s one of those things, I guess it’s all of them. The horror element is equally treated with black comedy, and comes out mostly in the narrative of the “airborne toxic event” but also is sprinkled throughout. However, I would forgive anyone saying that this is not really a horror movie. But again, I would ask, what is it then?

Review of White Noise (2022)

The film is written (adapted) and directed by Noah Baumbach, which I associate with Marriage Story and The Meyerowitz Stories, but also cowrote The Life Aquatic and The Fantastic Mr. Fox with Wes Anderson. 

Both sensibilities blend here in this adaptation of Don DeLillo’s novel of the same name. The characters are acting like recognizable normal people, but the dialogue they are speaking seems like it’s coming from a beat poet’s fever dream, and the plot borders on the surreal. 

I’m still processing it, and most of it just kind of washed over me, but the main takeaway is that it matches the general vibe of the late 20th century being an uneasy pre-dystopia very well. I imagine that I’ll watch it again, and that it will get much better with more reps, especially as you get more familiar with the rapid fire, overlapping, enigmatic dialogue.

Score

7/10

We watched John Carpenter’s Christine and were treated to some good, old fashioned, car calendar porn.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

A nerdy young man named Arnie (Keith Gordon) finds his soulmate in a 1958 Plymouth Fury. He rebuilds the car and in-turn rebuilds himself as a confident, independent lad.

You Arnie notices that girls are now attracted to him, and this turns him into a force of nature. But the real force of nature seems to be his car, nicknamed Christine.

Christine seems to have a life of her own, a life centered around taking life from others. 

Arnie’s mom and dad are worried about him, his friends are worried about him, and even his hot stuff girlfriend is worried about him. 

Anyone who crosses Arnie, though, is worried about Christine.

Everyone get’s more classic cars than they bargained for.

Review

This coming of age tale is the inverse Stephen King screenplay to the movie we reviewed last week, Carrie, where a young girl gets her period and subsequently murders her whole school. 

In Christine, we see a nerdy young man get that big dick energy when he finds something to obsess over, which is strangely true-to-life for males.

Best of all, the ending sequence takes place on New Years Eve!

Christine isn’t the silver screen powerhouse that Carrie is, but it’s interesting when viewed back to back with it’s feminine counterpart.

Watch Christine (1983)

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It’s slow, sometimes tedious, and a little mellow for a movie directed by the same guy who brought us Halloween and The Thing (John Carpenter).

That being said, there was no part of Christine where I was upset with it. 

It really struck me how much of the sentiment of Carrie is in here. Arnie gets bullied relentlessly by bullies at school and his parents aren’t exactly cool. Even the garage owner bullies Arnie around. In the end Arnie doesn’t find the power within himself, he imbues it into his work. This is a weirdly masculine trait. 

Where Carrie finds the magic within her, Arnie finds it within other things. Arnie needs things and others in a uniquely masculine way. He needs acceptance, he needs a girlfriend. He needs Christine. Carrie doesn’t need anyone, she just needs peace. She has had it with your shit. Arnie has too.

It’s a solid movie about a car that has the shining.If that sounds like a good time to you, this is honestly something you will enjoy. 

Score

6/10

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In the most accurate portrayal of a girls high school locker room, we are treated to the wonders and horrors of puberty. Girls experience changes in their body such as menstruation and telekinetic powers, and boys get hard.

Synopsis

In this film adaptation of Stephen King’s first novel, Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) is a super sheltered teenage girl being raised by a religious fanatic mother while going to high school. In the first scene, we see Carrie experience her first menstruation in the girls locker room and she is utterly unequipped and humiliated. She’s relentlessly bullied by the other girls, and as a result they are punished and some seek revenge.

The film shows Carrie’s journey from being an outcast to being a self actualized young woman, albeit in a tragic way. All along the audience is privy and sympathetic to the trainwreck slowly unfolding.

Review of Carrie

Carrie was a surprise hit in 1976. Off of a budget of 1.6 million, it grossed over 30 million in the box office. Brian DePalma, the director, skillfully adapted King’s novel to the screen. There are two other Carrie adaptations, but this 1976 version is the only one that is unforgettable.

It walks the line between dark comedy, horror, melodrama successfully. The over the top cruelty and humiliation portrayed in the film don’t seem ridiculous in the setting of high school, because they represent the inner distorted world that every teenager experiences in high school. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a teenager’s imaginary audience.

Some of the characters are more caricatures than people, but the one that counts most is Carrie, and all the others serve to make hers compelling and believable. Her reactions and countenance seem insane until you meet her fanatic mother, and the pieces all fall into place.

The film deserves it’s place as one of the most iconic horror movies of all time. It’s enjoyable and unforgettable. It’s unique, strange, and somehow extremely relatable.

Score

10/10

We watched Hatchet on Tubi and were treated to one of the most generic comedic slashers I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

Twenty somethings are in New Orleans and decide it will be fun to go on a haunted swamp tour. 

What they don’t realize is that this is Victor Crowley’s (Kane Hodder) swamp.

Who is Victor Crowley? Besides being a close personal friend of Ozzy Osborne, he is a troubled man who lived a troubled life full of cruelty inflicted upon him by local kids. Victor’s ghost(?) now haunts the swamp where he was tragically killed by happenstance and tragedy.

Everyone gets way more ripped apart than they bargained for.

Review

I chose to review Hatchet because I’m having a hard time in my personal life and this seemed like the kind of thing that I could handle.

I was right. There is nothing here to make me feel feelings. Just mindless distraction in the form of sex, violence, and heinous monstrosities against God.

The comedy is without feeling. The violence is without warrant. The concept is as old as film. Monster bad – but monster also tragic – but get out of my swamp.

There are attempts at comedy that do not land. There is gratuitous violence that sloshes buckets of blood all over the place. There are even hot girls shooting softcore porno.

Watch Hatchet (2006)

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Adam Green is the director of Hatchet, which is clearly an homage to 80’s and 90’s slashers the likes of Candyman, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th. 

Green manages to conjure all of the basics from these legendary slasher titles with absolutely none of the heart of any of them. 

Horror icons Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Tony Todd are featured in hatchet. Todd and Englund as fun cameos and Hodder as Crowley himself.

This is as boring and lifeless a movie as I can imagine and it helped me through a tough time.

Sometimes a mindless waste of time filled with brimming buckets of blood is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Hatchet proves that movies don’t have to be good or fun or anything but a waste of time. 

Score

4/10

Have you ever fallen in love with a car? Like really fallen in love with a car? Well take that lust and combine it with a horror movie, and you get Titane.

Synopsis

Titane is about a lot of things. I mean, what isn’t Titane about? It’s not quite a Tit, and it’s not quite an Ane, but maaaan…so to answer your question, I dunno.

Just kidding, it’s about the worlds most famous female auto show twerker/serial killer getting pregnant from fucking a car, and posing as a grieving father’s long lost son. So, you know, that old yarn.

Review of Titane

This movie is really something else. There are obvious comparisons to David Croenenberg since it has some great disturbing body horror, but at the same time, it’s not like anything I’ve seen before. 

There is very little hand holding, to the point where it’s never quite explained why the protagonist does the things she does. But it’s apparent that even the protagonist doesn’t know either.

It’s a dream-like film with evocative lighting, disturbing imagery, and lots of tits.

Despite The bizarre plot and sphinx-like protagonist, there is a deeply human core to this film. It examines the inscrutable nature of desire, compulsion, and loss.

I liked it a lot, and see why it got so much buzz last year. I wouldn’t say it’s a must see, but if you are in the mood for something really weird, check it out.

Score

8/10

We went and saw The Menu, and were plated with a heaping helping of comedy drenched in satire, smothered in secret sauce.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

One of the world’s most prestigious and private restaurants is located on an island where access is as limited as the invites.

A young couple of Tyler (Nicholas Hoult) and Margot (Anya Taylor-Joy) are lucky enough to make the list along with a variety of other impressive clientele.

Chef Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) is a serious man with serious talent, dedication, and staff – Maybe too serious.

What no one realizes is that tonight the menu is an extra special one and everyone gets more second helpings than they bargained for.

Review

The Menu is a strong dish that is best served without too much foreknowledge of what’s in store. It’s a moody thriller that is, at it’s core, a loving homage to dry comedies like A Mighty Wind and Best in Show.

It’s takes a deep look at inspiration in creation and skewers the consumers of art and food alike. It’s pretentious and funny and quite gruesome. 

It’s also a ton of fun. 

Watch The Menu

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In the first 20 minutes, I desperately wanted to dislike this movie. Eventually it won me over with its incredibly dry humor wrapped in macabre violence and disdain for humanity.

Every character is interesting and adds something to the story, and each bit of the story unfolds in a way that keeps you waiting for that next dish.

Most importantly, The Menu doesn’t overstay its welcome. It’s perfectly portioned out and cooked to a nice sweet and nutty glaze.

Score

10/10

People are strange when you’re a stranger. This week we review The Strangers. Why? Because we were home.

Synopsis

A young couple comes home late after a friend’s wedding. Kristen, played by Liv Tyler, and James, played by Scott Speedman, appear distraught despite the obvious preparations for a romantic evening at home. We learn that their evening has been ruined by a failed proposal, and they awkwardly work their way through the fallout.

In the midst of their relationship turmoil in the middle of the night, they receive a strange visitor looking for “Tamara”. They turn the teen girl away, but she soon returns.

Eventually more Strangers in masks show up and torment the young couple with increasingly strange behavior.

Review of The Strangers

The Strangers is in a group of super nihilistic horror films that use lack of motive, message, and pretense to their advantage. The dread felt in this movie is strong, and is caused by the confusion and hopelessness of the protagonists’ situation.

The other feature of this story is that it is believable. The opening credits state that it is based on true events. Mainly that murderers exist and sometimes they target complete strangers for no reason.

The film reminds me of original Last House on The Left, and Funny Games, mostly because they will all completely ruin your night.

The film is well crafted and the suspense and tension is expertly increased over time. It’s a very simple and uncomplicated premise delivered in a tight hour and 30 minutes. The ending is a gut punch and will stick with you.

Score

8/10