Horror Movie Talk

Whatsa happening hot stuff? The Happening is happening on this week’s episode. Follow Marky Mark and a whole funky bunch in this M. Night Shyamalan stinker.

Synopsis

The Happening starts out with a mass psychosis event in Central Park NY, where all of a sudden everyone decides to kill themselves. Mark Wahlberg plays Elliot Moore, a pretty dumb high school teacher that with family and friends trys to escape whatever is causing the psychosis. 

What could possibly be causing The Happening? Theories abound. Could it be a terrorist attack? Could it be bees? Could it be trees? Could it be a 60s performance art exhibition? No one knows. 

Review for The Happening

The Happening has a reputation for being a bad movie. It was really the nail in the coffin for M. Night Shyamalan’s ability to create a quality movie. I’ll say that the consensus is not wrong. This is a pretty bad movie. It’s not painfully bad, but is laughably bad in parts. 

This is mostly because of M Night’s clunky writing. It’s very unnatural, and makes every character seem like they came from an alternate universe where infomercials were reality. What makes it more frustrating, is that there are scattered gems of quality dialogue or situations that in a better movie would have been endearing moments. In this film however, it just makes you wonder how someone that is capable of writing convincing human moments would decide to write the rest of the movie like everyone has a head injury.

The second problem with the film is the casting of Mark Wahlberg as the lead. He is just not a good actor, and has no possible hope of saving the dialogue through his performance. In fact almost all of the unintentional humor is created by Mark’s line delivery and stupid facial expressions.

As with any M. Night Shyamalan movie, regardless of quality, there are some interesting ideas and concepts. Most of the creativity here comes from the various deaths throughout. The premise of a mysterious viral mass suicide event is a genuinely interesting premise, and can be truly disturbing at moments. However, the posited explanation is so dumb, you’re left wondering why you even bothered sitting through this shit show.

Score

3/10

This meta comedy horror film might have slipped past you, but if you’ve run through all the others, this one is probably worth a watch.

Synopsis

In this film, Max, the daughter of a struggling horror film actress, is grieving after her mother’s untimely real death three years prior. Her friend’s tone deaf step brother played by Thomas Middleditch insists that Max attend his double feature screening of Camp Bloodbath, the film that made her mother a star. 

While attending with her friends, a disaster happens, and they escape through the movie theater screen. In proper movie logic, they somehow by doing so, step into the reality of Camp Bloodbath (an obvious stand in for Friday the 13th).

They soon realize that they are trapped until they can navigate to the end of the film and survive the machete-wielding masked killer.

Review of The Final Girls (2015)

This is another meta horror comedy that seems to be attempting the success of the previous Cabin in the Woods and Tucker and Dale. In comparison, this one is pretty lackluster. However, it does have it’s charm and is an enjoyable watch.

The one difference in style is that The Final Girls uses 80s fantasy logic, and doesn’t bother with realize. This gives them more wiggle room to have fun with the slasher formula.

With Adam Divine and Thomas Middleditch in the cast, I did expect it to be funnier than it was. They only go after the easy jokes around the genre, and don’t play as much as they could with the archetypal characters or slasher absurdities.

It ends up being surprisingly predictable.

Score

6/10

We managed to find a copy of 28 Days Later (which isn’t streaming anywhere, even Amazon) and were treated to the re-awakening of the zombie movie

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

Some evil scientists were playing with fire and testing the effects of rage on Chimpanzees, when a group of radical extremists with Green Peace set the Apes free. 

One Ape attacked another and then everyone got angry, but not just angry, rageful. 

28 days later and our protagonist, Jim (Cillian Murphy) awakes from his medically induced coma to a deserted and dilapidated London. He wanders the streets before finding some angry higher apes and quickly learns not to tango with this “rage” stuff.

After Jim meets up with Selena (Naomie Harris), Frank (Brendan Gleeson), and Franks daughter they decide to brave the wilds of Great Britain to find a military outpost that’s sending a hopeful message over the airwaves.

Everyone get’s more apes than they bargained for.

Review

28 Days Later is an important movie in the zombie genre. It’s not strictly a zombie movie, rather a re-imagining of a somewhat more likely scenario that could lead to something approximating a zombie movie outcome.

If rabies was weaponized, the outcome might look something like 28 Days Later. 

There was never a shortage of B zombie movies since their inception, and there never will be. But there have been lulls in the popularity of the zombies in general, and moments of revival – 28 Days Later is largely responsible for one of the biggest revivals of zombies in the zeitgeist. Arguably, this movie helped kick off some of the biggest zombie movies and games in the last 20 years.

There is no doubt that 28 Days Later is effective. The direction is great, the acting and script are pretty good too. 

More than anything, the theorycraft is impressive and logical – which is where the concept of zombies really catches the imagination of audiences.

The movie is dark, depraved, and hopeless, but manages to throw a little bit of family feeling in the somewhat slow second act that helps to redeem the pacing.

Overall, it’s great at what it does, and the soundtrack is phenomenal.

Watch 28 Days Later

Buy a Physical Copy on Amazon

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Score

10/10

Cocaine Bear never forgets his lines.

Synopsis

Cocaine Bear is loosely based on a true story of a bear that finds and consumes cocaine air dropped by a cocaine smuggler in 1985. In this movie, instead of dying immediately, it does what everyone imagines in their head when they hear the words “Cocaine Bear”. It goes on an unhinged coked up rampage across a state park. 

Along the way, Cocaine Bear’s, or as his friends call him, Pablo Escobear, crosses paths with drug dealers, thugs, rangers, children, and a mom. These people fare about as well as you would expect against Cocaine Bear.

Review of Cocaine Bear

The movie is structured basically as a slasher in that the characters are mostly there as fodder, and they are all trying to escape an unhinged, all powerful killer.

However, even for a slasher, these characters have super thin development. None of them have what I would call an “arc”. Not even Cocaine Bear.

The cast is serviceable with Kari Russel, MArgo MArtindale, Ray Liotta (RIP), and a bunch of newcomers. They just aren’t given much to work with.

Really the most valuable and enjoyable thing that this movie gives you is the title. It’s going to be talked about in knowing tones by the same people that mention Sharknado movies without having actually seen it.

To it’s credit, it doesn’t shy away from the gore, and earns it’s R rating, but doesn’t go crazy. 

Overall, it’s ok. There are enjoyable moments, and the concept is novel early on, but it loses it’s edge very quickly and it becomes just a waiting game for the obvious ending. It’s a B movie with a 35 million dollar budget. I didn’t expect much, and it perfectly met my expectations

Score

4/10

We watched Scream 6 and were impressed with this incredibly fresh new take on the otherwise stale genre of slashers in 2023!

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

A year after the events of Scream (2022) where the Woodsboro murders decimated the group of plucky, woke high school students, we find ourselves in college, in New York City.

In a super weird turn of fate, our young heroins Sam Carpenter (Melissa Barrera) and her sister Tara (Jenna Ortega) are being stalked by none other than Ghost Face himself.

As the friend group pulls together to try to figure out who the new killer might be, they also become suspicious of each other.

As it turns out, this killer follows the rules of horror movie tropes, and could easily be one of their closest friends, if these Stab movies are to be believed.

Will the friends figure out who the new killer is? Will Ghost Face say some quippy line? Who will be stabbed, and who will come out on top?

Review

I just asked a bunch of cliff hanger questions at the end of my synopsis. And Scream is known for it’s meta takes and twists. Here’s a meta twist for you – I don’t give a shit who comes out on top AT ALL!!!

I stopped caring about Scream the moment the second movie started in 1997. It’s always a slightly diminished crew of last year’s protagonists looking at each other and figuring out what movie trope they are breaking that will get them killed. If only Ghost Face would just hop off of the screen and do me so I don’t have to sit through another one of these cash grab installments.

Is Scream 6 bad? No, it’s fine. It’s fan service. But everything is fan service now. Fan service has replaced originality in favor of safety.

Do you want safety? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? Yes. As it turns out, you do. Or at least that’s what your wallet says when you pay to go see the new Scream, or Halloween Ends, or The Purge 8: Unlimited Bulimia. 

Watch Scream 6

Buy or Rent on Amazon

Click here to Watch

Sometimes you just need some nostalgia in your life, and this is that. It’s not going to blow you away, or make you wish there were more Scream movies. It’s going to pelt you with ‘member berries. 

I will say that this version of Ghost Face might be the strongest in my memory, even if my memory for this is pretty bad. He is wiry, and powerful, and frantically hateful. His acts of violence are gruesome and gross.

The reveal at the end of Scream 6 is a prime example of more is better syndrome. Can this be topped? Only if the killer in Scream 7 is the early 90’s version of the monster truck named “Bigfoot”.

As long as you don’t expect much, Scream 6 is a Film.

Score

5/10

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It’s a magical evening folks. Every year the HMT academy gets together and chooses the best moments and movies of the year. Join us and celebrate another year of horror cinema.

Best ad

• Buffalo Bills Weight Loss Center – The Silence of the Lambs
• Kurt Russels Mustache Rides – Bone Tomahawk ep
• Loch Lomond death – dog soldiers ep
• Normal Activity – Paranormal Activity Episode
• Discount Dentures – Drag Me To Hell Episode
• Billy Zane – The Mummy
• Centipede Twister – Human Centipede 2 ep
• Estrogen Network – MEN ep

Best Guest

• Fart Simpson (The Wailing/Resolution)
• Dustin Goebel (The Sadness)
• Max Allen (The Mummy)
• Bryan (Cabin Fever)
• Annie Hardy (Dashcam)
• James Jude Courtney (Halloween Ends)
• Keith (Scream 2022)

Most Sexual Moment

• Kinsey Scale – firestarter 2022 episode
• Should we get naked – Cabin Fever Episode
• Zombie Jacking – Resolution Review
• Be careful what you wish for – stranger by the lake episode
• Poison Tits – hostel ep
• I’m About to Cum – The Sadness Ep

Most Problematic Moment

• What a Dumb Bitch – The Mummy
• Gypsies -Drag Me To Hell Episode
• OOPS – Constantine episode
• Don’t use the n-word – Get Out
• DAvid’s a little racist – Dog Soldiers Ep

Most Psychologically REvealing Moment

• David Hates Horses – Nope Episode
• Bryce’s fear of electronics – the ring
• Bryce’s brain is too strong – smile ep
• The Real Bryce – Bone Tomahawk Ep
• TAke it Back – texas chainsaw massacre 2022 episode”
• Listening like God – The Possession of Hannah Grace Episode
• I can Talk About TikTok – Orphan First Kill ep

Worst Movie We Watched this year

• Puppet Master (1978)
• 13 Ghosts
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer
• Halloween Ends
• Studio 666
• Orphan: First Kill

Best Movie We Watched this year

• Silence of the Lambs
• Paranormal Activity
• The Fly (1986)
• Barbarian
• Carrie (1976)
• Dawn of the Dead (2004)
• Get Out
• Hatching (Pahanhautoja)
• Prey
• The Menu

Worst New Movie of 2022

• Halloween Ends
• Studio 666
• Orphan: First Kill
• Terrifier 2
• Scream (2022)
• Firestarter (2022)
• Crimes of the Future

Best New Movie of 2022

• X
• Nope
• Hatching (Pahanhautoja)
• Prey
• The Menu
• Barbarian

————————————————

Perfect 10s

• The Silence of the Lambs
• Paranormal Activity
• The Fly (1986)
• Barbarian
• Carrie (1976)

Lowest Scored

• Halloween Ends (3.5)
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer (3.5)
• 13 Ghosts (2.5)
• Puppet Master (1989) (2)

Biggest Discrepancies in Scores

• The Babadook (D=3, B=10)
• Crimes of the Future (D=9, B=4)
• Smile (D=6, B=10)
• The Mummy (1999) (D=10, B=6)

Best Co-Host

• David Day
• Bryce Hanson

We dig the 80’s and here’s proof. What are your favorite 80’s horror movies?

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

The Descent is more than a decent movie, it’s phenomenal. It doesn’t play it safe by making just a straight ahead monster movie, it delves into many different kinds of phobias along the way.

Synopsis

The Descent starts out similar to my favorite porn, with a team of international women out in the woods. They go caving in an uncharted cave system in the Appalachians. Quickly their expedition goes sideways when a cave in happens and they are stuck in the caves, short on supplies. The film quickly turns terrifying as they find out that the caves are full of goblin monsters hell bent on eating them, which happens to be my least favorite porn.

Review of The Descent

This is a fantastic horror movie that hits a lot of different beats of horror. It deals out claustrophobia, dread, jump scares, interpersonal drama, all while passing the Bechdel test. A rare accomplishment in any horror film.

The unique setting of the film and the deliberate slow burn draws the audience in, in a way that most monster films don’t. By the time we are introduced to the main antagonists of the film, we have already seen the protagonists crushed with the fatigue and uncertainty of whether they will ever find a way out.

Although dark and disorientating, the film has some really great creature design and gory special effects.

It let up even in the end, and is a really unique viewing experience.

Score

10/10

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We watched the Wes Craven classic, The People Under the Stairs, from 1991 and were delighted to see how close our interpretation of landlords are to the real thing!

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

The People Under the Stairs is the story of Fool, AKA Poindexter, AKA Brandon Quintin Adams who’s mom has cancer and can’t pay the rent. 

Being saddled with the idea that he is now “the man of the house” at 12 years old, he realizes that he very badly wants not to lose that house. 

Unfortunately for Fool, his landlords are literally the whitest, scariest, most sadistic BDSM freaks slash shotgun owners to ever grace God’s green earth. They are so terrifying that they actually keep a hoard of invalid children under their house, and feed their pet dog Cujo parts of the people that they kill.

Fool is brought on a mission to case the house his landlords live in by Ving Rhames, in an attempt to steal enough money to ironically pay the rent.

What ensues is an insane game of cat and mouse that will surely leave Fool with lasting scars, trauma, and an intense hatred of white people.

Review

The People Under the Stairs is something of a unique movie now, but if you take a look at the time that spawned it, it begins to make more sense. It’s in good company with the likes of Nightbreed, Gremlins 2, Army of Darkness, House, and The Gate.

This is a dark comedy and horror movie with a decent amount of disturbing ideas and themes. It’s executed in such a way that dates it tremendously, but leaves you with that waxy film of early 90’s charm coating your mouth.

While the acting is over-the-top, the themes are in-your-face, and the characters are just caricatures of stereotypes, it’s still interesting and fun.

Watch The People Under the Stairs

Buy or Rent on Amazon

Click here to Watch

I can’t think of anyone who would hate this movie, but I am sure that there are plenty who love it to death. 

The intense themes of minority marginalization, class inequity, sexism, and gentrification are present throughout. These themes are smash you in the face in nature, and are sandwiched in so much hammy acting that it’s a little hard to take it seriously.

Overall, this is a great movie to curl up on the couch and watch on a Friday night.

Score

6/10