Horror Movie Talk

Cocaine Bear never forgets his lines.

Synopsis

Cocaine Bear is loosely based on a true story of a bear that finds and consumes cocaine air dropped by a cocaine smuggler in 1985. In this movie, instead of dying immediately, it does what everyone imagines in their head when they hear the words “Cocaine Bear”. It goes on an unhinged coked up rampage across a state park. 

Along the way, Cocaine Bear’s, or as his friends call him, Pablo Escobear, crosses paths with drug dealers, thugs, rangers, children, and a mom. These people fare about as well as you would expect against Cocaine Bear.

Review of Cocaine Bear

The movie is structured basically as a slasher in that the characters are mostly there as fodder, and they are all trying to escape an unhinged, all powerful killer.

However, even for a slasher, these characters have super thin development. None of them have what I would call an “arc”. Not even Cocaine Bear.

The cast is serviceable with Kari Russel, MArgo MArtindale, Ray Liotta (RIP), and a bunch of newcomers. They just aren’t given much to work with.

Really the most valuable and enjoyable thing that this movie gives you is the title. It’s going to be talked about in knowing tones by the same people that mention Sharknado movies without having actually seen it.

To it’s credit, it doesn’t shy away from the gore, and earns it’s R rating, but doesn’t go crazy. 

Overall, it’s ok. There are enjoyable moments, and the concept is novel early on, but it loses it’s edge very quickly and it becomes just a waiting game for the obvious ending. It’s a B movie with a 35 million dollar budget. I didn’t expect much, and it perfectly met my expectations

Score

4/10

We watched Scream 6 and were impressed with this incredibly fresh new take on the otherwise stale genre of slashers in 2023!

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

A year after the events of Scream (2022) where the Woodsboro murders decimated the group of plucky, woke high school students, we find ourselves in college, in New York City.

In a super weird turn of fate, our young heroins Sam Carpenter (Melissa Barrera) and her sister Tara (Jenna Ortega) are being stalked by none other than Ghost Face himself.

As the friend group pulls together to try to figure out who the new killer might be, they also become suspicious of each other.

As it turns out, this killer follows the rules of horror movie tropes, and could easily be one of their closest friends, if these Stab movies are to be believed.

Will the friends figure out who the new killer is? Will Ghost Face say some quippy line? Who will be stabbed, and who will come out on top?

Review

I just asked a bunch of cliff hanger questions at the end of my synopsis. And Scream is known for it’s meta takes and twists. Here’s a meta twist for you – I don’t give a shit who comes out on top AT ALL!!!

I stopped caring about Scream the moment the second movie started in 1997. It’s always a slightly diminished crew of last year’s protagonists looking at each other and figuring out what movie trope they are breaking that will get them killed. If only Ghost Face would just hop off of the screen and do me so I don’t have to sit through another one of these cash grab installments.

Is Scream 6 bad? No, it’s fine. It’s fan service. But everything is fan service now. Fan service has replaced originality in favor of safety.

Do you want safety? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? Yes. As it turns out, you do. Or at least that’s what your wallet says when you pay to go see the new Scream, or Halloween Ends, or The Purge 8: Unlimited Bulimia. 

Watch Scream 6

Buy or Rent on Amazon

Click here to Watch

Sometimes you just need some nostalgia in your life, and this is that. It’s not going to blow you away, or make you wish there were more Scream movies. It’s going to pelt you with ‘member berries. 

I will say that this version of Ghost Face might be the strongest in my memory, even if my memory for this is pretty bad. He is wiry, and powerful, and frantically hateful. His acts of violence are gruesome and gross.

The reveal at the end of Scream 6 is a prime example of more is better syndrome. Can this be topped? Only if the killer in Scream 7 is the early 90’s version of the monster truck named “Bigfoot”.

As long as you don’t expect much, Scream 6 is a Film.

Score

5/10

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It’s a magical evening folks. Every year the HMT academy gets together and chooses the best moments and movies of the year. Join us and celebrate another year of horror cinema.

Best ad

• Buffalo Bills Weight Loss Center – The Silence of the Lambs
• Kurt Russels Mustache Rides – Bone Tomahawk ep
• Loch Lomond death – dog soldiers ep
• Normal Activity – Paranormal Activity Episode
• Discount Dentures – Drag Me To Hell Episode
• Billy Zane – The Mummy
• Centipede Twister – Human Centipede 2 ep
• Estrogen Network – MEN ep

Best Guest

• Fart Simpson (The Wailing/Resolution)
• Dustin Goebel (The Sadness)
• Max Allen (The Mummy)
• Bryan (Cabin Fever)
• Annie Hardy (Dashcam)
• James Jude Courtney (Halloween Ends)
• Keith (Scream 2022)

Most Sexual Moment

• Kinsey Scale – firestarter 2022 episode
• Should we get naked – Cabin Fever Episode
• Zombie Jacking – Resolution Review
• Be careful what you wish for – stranger by the lake episode
• Poison Tits – hostel ep
• I’m About to Cum – The Sadness Ep

Most Problematic Moment

• What a Dumb Bitch – The Mummy
• Gypsies -Drag Me To Hell Episode
• OOPS – Constantine episode
• Don’t use the n-word – Get Out
• DAvid’s a little racist – Dog Soldiers Ep

Most Psychologically REvealing Moment

• David Hates Horses – Nope Episode
• Bryce’s fear of electronics – the ring
• Bryce’s brain is too strong – smile ep
• The Real Bryce – Bone Tomahawk Ep
• TAke it Back – texas chainsaw massacre 2022 episode”
• Listening like God – The Possession of Hannah Grace Episode
• I can Talk About TikTok – Orphan First Kill ep

Worst Movie We Watched this year

• Puppet Master (1978)
• 13 Ghosts
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer
• Halloween Ends
• Studio 666
• Orphan: First Kill

Best Movie We Watched this year

• Silence of the Lambs
• Paranormal Activity
• The Fly (1986)
• Barbarian
• Carrie (1976)
• Dawn of the Dead (2004)
• Get Out
• Hatching (Pahanhautoja)
• Prey
• The Menu

Worst New Movie of 2022

• Halloween Ends
• Studio 666
• Orphan: First Kill
• Terrifier 2
• Scream (2022)
• Firestarter (2022)
• Crimes of the Future

Best New Movie of 2022

• X
• Nope
• Hatching (Pahanhautoja)
• Prey
• The Menu
• Barbarian

————————————————

Perfect 10s

• The Silence of the Lambs
• Paranormal Activity
• The Fly (1986)
• Barbarian
• Carrie (1976)

Lowest Scored

• Halloween Ends (3.5)
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer (3.5)
• 13 Ghosts (2.5)
• Puppet Master (1989) (2)

Biggest Discrepancies in Scores

• The Babadook (D=3, B=10)
• Crimes of the Future (D=9, B=4)
• Smile (D=6, B=10)
• The Mummy (1999) (D=10, B=6)

Best Co-Host

• David Day
• Bryce Hanson

We dig the 80’s and here’s proof. What are your favorite 80’s horror movies?

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

The Descent is more than a decent movie, it’s phenomenal. It doesn’t play it safe by making just a straight ahead monster movie, it delves into many different kinds of phobias along the way.

Synopsis

The Descent starts out similar to my favorite porn, with a team of international women out in the woods. They go caving in an uncharted cave system in the Appalachians. Quickly their expedition goes sideways when a cave in happens and they are stuck in the caves, short on supplies. The film quickly turns terrifying as they find out that the caves are full of goblin monsters hell bent on eating them, which happens to be my least favorite porn.

Review of The Descent

This is a fantastic horror movie that hits a lot of different beats of horror. It deals out claustrophobia, dread, jump scares, interpersonal drama, all while passing the Bechdel test. A rare accomplishment in any horror film.

The unique setting of the film and the deliberate slow burn draws the audience in, in a way that most monster films don’t. By the time we are introduced to the main antagonists of the film, we have already seen the protagonists crushed with the fatigue and uncertainty of whether they will ever find a way out.

Although dark and disorientating, the film has some really great creature design and gory special effects.

It let up even in the end, and is a really unique viewing experience.

Score

10/10

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We watched the Wes Craven classic, The People Under the Stairs, from 1991 and were delighted to see how close our interpretation of landlords are to the real thing!

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

Synopsis

The People Under the Stairs is the story of Fool, AKA Poindexter, AKA Brandon Quintin Adams who’s mom has cancer and can’t pay the rent. 

Being saddled with the idea that he is now “the man of the house” at 12 years old, he realizes that he very badly wants not to lose that house. 

Unfortunately for Fool, his landlords are literally the whitest, scariest, most sadistic BDSM freaks slash shotgun owners to ever grace God’s green earth. They are so terrifying that they actually keep a hoard of invalid children under their house, and feed their pet dog Cujo parts of the people that they kill.

Fool is brought on a mission to case the house his landlords live in by Ving Rhames, in an attempt to steal enough money to ironically pay the rent.

What ensues is an insane game of cat and mouse that will surely leave Fool with lasting scars, trauma, and an intense hatred of white people.

Review

The People Under the Stairs is something of a unique movie now, but if you take a look at the time that spawned it, it begins to make more sense. It’s in good company with the likes of Nightbreed, Gremlins 2, Army of Darkness, House, and The Gate.

This is a dark comedy and horror movie with a decent amount of disturbing ideas and themes. It’s executed in such a way that dates it tremendously, but leaves you with that waxy film of early 90’s charm coating your mouth.

While the acting is over-the-top, the themes are in-your-face, and the characters are just caricatures of stereotypes, it’s still interesting and fun.

Watch The People Under the Stairs

Buy or Rent on Amazon

Click here to Watch

I can’t think of anyone who would hate this movie, but I am sure that there are plenty who love it to death. 

The intense themes of minority marginalization, class inequity, sexism, and gentrification are present throughout. These themes are smash you in the face in nature, and are sandwiched in so much hammy acting that it’s a little hard to take it seriously.

Overall, this is a great movie to curl up on the couch and watch on a Friday night.

Score

6/10

If you are making the choice between Let the Right One In and Let Me In, the former is the right one. This taut and moody vampire tale pushes the boundary for what’s possible in the genre.

Synopsis

Let the Right One in is a new twist on the vampire tale, that asks, what if vampires were pedophiles? It’s about Oskar, a 12 year old Swedish boy that is relentlessly bullied while he deals with his parents separation. In the course of planning to be Sweden’s first school shooter, he meets Eli, the new girl in town that hates shoes and loves having the higher ground. Eli is the stereotypical manic pixie dream girl, who has quirky hobbies like puzzle collecting, communicating through Morse, and violently murdering people by sucking their blood.

Review of Let the Right One In (2008)

Let the Right One In was remade in English as “Let Me In”, but if you haven’t the original, do yourself a favor and watch it in the original language. Not only are the performances a little better overall, most importantly, the tone is vastly better than the remake.

The sparse and brutal mise en scene matches the sparse and brutal storyline. The stark empty courtyards and public parks compliment the empty and stark life of lonely latchkey kids.

At the heart of the story is a coming of age romance between two tragic characters that is very compelling. There is an impending sense of dread for all the main characters. You are rooting for them, but in pretty much every possible outcome there will be tragedy. 

This film is an excellent entry into the vampire genre that shows that there are still compelling iterations to explore that don’t rely on the Dracula archetype.

Score

10/10

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We watched House of 1000 Corpses and were impressed by the use of stock footage and new footage made to look like fucked out stock footage. 

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

House of 1000 Corpses is the story of some 20 somethings on a road trip around the US on a mission to find gas station oddities and fright museums.

They stumble upon Captain Spaulding’s museum of monsters and madmen and end up flies in the web of the firefly family. 

The firefly family are a group of twisted, backwater Texans who torture and kill unsuspecting kids on outings in their car. 

The kids are treated to the extensive horrors around the firefly family property before they are picked off one by one.

If this sounds like a Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripoff, that’s because it is. Had it been made with the tiniest bit of skill or nuance, it might have been able to get away with being called an homage or a tribute, but alas, ripoff will have to do.

Review

House of 1000 Corpses is quite a sideshow. It’s the first of writer / director Rob Zombie’s feature films, and the start of an obsession for the musician.

It seems like Rob saw films like Texas Chainsaw, Halloween, and Salem’s Lot,  as a child and wondered to himself, “What goes on in the parts of these movies that I don’t get to see? Why is Michael the way he is? What other weird things happen in the Cannibal’s house?” 

And he had to create the lore that he so desperately desired to see.

To be fair, those are awesome questions. Who wouldn’t want to see what happens in Texas Chainsaw the day after the massacre? As it turns out, the answer is me.

I don’t care about the reality behind the mysteries being shown to me nearly as much as I enjoy being allowed to let my mind wander around those creepy questions. 

Once you answer the question of why Michael is the way he is, I hate the outcome.

Watch House of 1000 Corpses

Buy or Rent on Amazon

Click Here to Watch

Apart from this fundamental issue with digging up and rehashing old movies that are arguably the best of their kind ever made, the House of 1000 Corpses is a trainwreck.

It’s Americana turned up to 11 and drenched in neon gas station colors, and it smells like the armpit of the oldest, nastiest man you’ve ever sat next to on the bus. The acting is pitiable as soon as Sheri Moon shows up and awesome when old pro’s like Sid Haig grace the screen.

The story is tenuous and boring, the violence is schlocky, the comedy is raunchy.

It’s not my cup of tea, but for what it is, it’s pretty influential. Some would say that it was one of the most over-the-top entries in the gore-porn genre of the 2000’s. I would disagree with those people, but still.

Anyone sitting down to watch a movie called House of 1000 Corpses will get exactly what they were expecting, that much is certain. 

Score

2/10