Horror Movie Talk

If you are making the choice between Let the Right One In and Let Me In, the former is the right one. This taut and moody vampire tale pushes the boundary for what’s possible in the genre.

Synopsis

Let the Right One in is a new twist on the vampire tale, that asks, what if vampires were pedophiles? It’s about Oskar, a 12 year old Swedish boy that is relentlessly bullied while he deals with his parents separation. In the course of planning to be Sweden’s first school shooter, he meets Eli, the new girl in town that hates shoes and loves having the higher ground. Eli is the stereotypical manic pixie dream girl, who has quirky hobbies like puzzle collecting, communicating through Morse, and violently murdering people by sucking their blood.

Review of Let the Right One In (2008)

Let the Right One In was remade in English as “Let Me In”, but if you haven’t the original, do yourself a favor and watch it in the original language. Not only are the performances a little better overall, most importantly, the tone is vastly better than the remake.

The sparse and brutal mise en scene matches the sparse and brutal storyline. The stark empty courtyards and public parks compliment the empty and stark life of lonely latchkey kids.

At the heart of the story is a coming of age romance between two tragic characters that is very compelling. There is an impending sense of dread for all the main characters. You are rooting for them, but in pretty much every possible outcome there will be tragedy. 

This film is an excellent entry into the vampire genre that shows that there are still compelling iterations to explore that don’t rely on the Dracula archetype.

Score

10/10

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We watched House of 1000 Corpses and were impressed by the use of stock footage and new footage made to look like fucked out stock footage. 

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

House of 1000 Corpses is the story of some 20 somethings on a road trip around the US on a mission to find gas station oddities and fright museums.

They stumble upon Captain Spaulding’s museum of monsters and madmen and end up flies in the web of the firefly family. 

The firefly family are a group of twisted, backwater Texans who torture and kill unsuspecting kids on outings in their car. 

The kids are treated to the extensive horrors around the firefly family property before they are picked off one by one.

If this sounds like a Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripoff, that’s because it is. Had it been made with the tiniest bit of skill or nuance, it might have been able to get away with being called an homage or a tribute, but alas, ripoff will have to do.

Review

House of 1000 Corpses is quite a sideshow. It’s the first of writer / director Rob Zombie’s feature films, and the start of an obsession for the musician.

It seems like Rob saw films like Texas Chainsaw, Halloween, and Salem’s Lot,  as a child and wondered to himself, “What goes on in the parts of these movies that I don’t get to see? Why is Michael the way he is? What other weird things happen in the Cannibal’s house?” 

And he had to create the lore that he so desperately desired to see.

To be fair, those are awesome questions. Who wouldn’t want to see what happens in Texas Chainsaw the day after the massacre? As it turns out, the answer is me.

I don’t care about the reality behind the mysteries being shown to me nearly as much as I enjoy being allowed to let my mind wander around those creepy questions. 

Once you answer the question of why Michael is the way he is, I hate the outcome.

Watch House of 1000 Corpses

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Apart from this fundamental issue with digging up and rehashing old movies that are arguably the best of their kind ever made, the House of 1000 Corpses is a trainwreck.

It’s Americana turned up to 11 and drenched in neon gas station colors, and it smells like the armpit of the oldest, nastiest man you’ve ever sat next to on the bus. The acting is pitiable as soon as Sheri Moon shows up and awesome when old pro’s like Sid Haig grace the screen.

The story is tenuous and boring, the violence is schlocky, the comedy is raunchy.

It’s not my cup of tea, but for what it is, it’s pretty influential. Some would say that it was one of the most over-the-top entries in the gore-porn genre of the 2000’s. I would disagree with those people, but still.

Anyone sitting down to watch a movie called House of 1000 Corpses will get exactly what they were expecting, that much is certain. 

Score

2/10

Are you ready for our take on the biggest scam horror movie of 2023? We break down this low effort film with a low effort episode of horror movie talk. We hope Sharon, Lois, and Bram would be happy.

Synopsis

IMDB gives the following synopsis for Skinamarink: Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing, and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished.

That is only ½ true. There are still plenty of doors and windows, because that is were the camera is looking for 90% of the film.

A more accurate description is that Skinamarink is shots of nothing, with no narrative, and the occasional jump scare to scam you into thinking it’s something.

There are two children, but to say the movie is about them is to say The Shining is about the twins. They are there for the same purpose as everything else in the film. To be vaguely creepy.

Review of Skinamarink

As the runtime drags on, the audience realizes that there is a nefarious presence behind everything, pulling the strings with evil intent that is never fully explained. …the director.

I get what this is. It’s challenging. It is an art film that plays with emotions and expectations in a way that is undeniably uncomfortable and creepy.

However, it does feel like a scam. It blows my mind that this was shown in theaters. That’s the most amazing thing about the experience, is that it defies all logic that it exists as a commercial product, and it defies all logic that people will watch it.

This film makes me angry. I was angry that this is considered a movie. I was angry at how cheep the gimmicks were. I was angry that it was still somehow effective, but mostly I was angry that I watched it.

Score

1/10

We went and saw M3gan and were shown what would happen if you allowed a robot to raise your child. Also, there was a crazy rich Asian in it!

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

A hot robotics engineer, Gemma (Allison Williams) strikes paydirt when her sister and brother in-law die and she ends up with her orphan niece, Cady (Violet McGraw).

Now, she can finally test her over-engineered killing machine slash toy on an unsuspecting child-victim that she is the guardian for.

M3gan, is an AI driven toy slash babysitter slash baby SLITTER. She is going to be the toy everyone buys this year, that is if she can convince the archeologists and the lawyer that Jurassic Park, er – M3gan is safe.

Everyone gets more hydraulic death than they bargained for.

Review

M3gan came with a ton of hype, probably because it’s got the high-tier status with Blumhouse, which means their full marketing budget. I can’t say it let me down, but it’s also not blowing my socks off.

This is a better-than-average horror movie with some solid jump scares and a creepy concept that’s similar to that of a Child’s Play movie. 

The idea of your child being raised by a robot is scary enough when all you do is plop them down in front of Youtube. When you plop them down with a silicone covered robot that can wink and has opposable digits, it gets even creepier.

Watch M3gan

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M3gan is scary at times, and quite funny as well. Some of the one liners landed perfectly for me, which was a lot of fun. 

If you are the kind of person who has a hard time not picking movies apart, M3gan is not for you. This is a popcorn munching, good time with friends kind of movie. 

It’s got some great moments, but will be forgotten in a year or two, which is better than being forgotten as quickly as it comes out.

Score

7/10

You know that SNL sketch were it was a trailer for a slasher movie directed by Wes Anderson? Yeah, well this was pretty close.

Synopsis

White Noise tells the story of a blended family led by Jack and Babette as they experience the joy and terror of academia, man-made disasters, and supermarkets. This film is categorized as a comedy/drama/horror, and if it’s one of those things, I guess it’s all of them. The horror element is equally treated with black comedy, and comes out mostly in the narrative of the “airborne toxic event” but also is sprinkled throughout. However, I would forgive anyone saying that this is not really a horror movie. But again, I would ask, what is it then?

Review of White Noise (2022)

The film is written (adapted) and directed by Noah Baumbach, which I associate with Marriage Story and The Meyerowitz Stories, but also cowrote The Life Aquatic and The Fantastic Mr. Fox with Wes Anderson. 

Both sensibilities blend here in this adaptation of Don DeLillo’s novel of the same name. The characters are acting like recognizable normal people, but the dialogue they are speaking seems like it’s coming from a beat poet’s fever dream, and the plot borders on the surreal. 

I’m still processing it, and most of it just kind of washed over me, but the main takeaway is that it matches the general vibe of the late 20th century being an uneasy pre-dystopia very well. I imagine that I’ll watch it again, and that it will get much better with more reps, especially as you get more familiar with the rapid fire, overlapping, enigmatic dialogue.

Score

7/10

We watched John Carpenter’s Christine and were treated to some good, old fashioned, car calendar porn.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

A nerdy young man named Arnie (Keith Gordon) finds his soulmate in a 1958 Plymouth Fury. He rebuilds the car and in-turn rebuilds himself as a confident, independent lad.

You Arnie notices that girls are now attracted to him, and this turns him into a force of nature. But the real force of nature seems to be his car, nicknamed Christine.

Christine seems to have a life of her own, a life centered around taking life from others. 

Arnie’s mom and dad are worried about him, his friends are worried about him, and even his hot stuff girlfriend is worried about him. 

Anyone who crosses Arnie, though, is worried about Christine.

Everyone get’s more classic cars than they bargained for.

Review

This coming of age tale is the inverse Stephen King screenplay to the movie we reviewed last week, Carrie, where a young girl gets her period and subsequently murders her whole school. 

In Christine, we see a nerdy young man get that big dick energy when he finds something to obsess over, which is strangely true-to-life for males.

Best of all, the ending sequence takes place on New Years Eve!

Christine isn’t the silver screen powerhouse that Carrie is, but it’s interesting when viewed back to back with it’s feminine counterpart.

Watch Christine (1983)

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It’s slow, sometimes tedious, and a little mellow for a movie directed by the same guy who brought us Halloween and The Thing (John Carpenter).

That being said, there was no part of Christine where I was upset with it. 

It really struck me how much of the sentiment of Carrie is in here. Arnie gets bullied relentlessly by bullies at school and his parents aren’t exactly cool. Even the garage owner bullies Arnie around. In the end Arnie doesn’t find the power within himself, he imbues it into his work. This is a weirdly masculine trait. 

Where Carrie finds the magic within her, Arnie finds it within other things. Arnie needs things and others in a uniquely masculine way. He needs acceptance, he needs a girlfriend. He needs Christine. Carrie doesn’t need anyone, she just needs peace. She has had it with your shit. Arnie has too.

It’s a solid movie about a car that has the shining.If that sounds like a good time to you, this is honestly something you will enjoy. 

Score

6/10

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In the most accurate portrayal of a girls high school locker room, we are treated to the wonders and horrors of puberty. Girls experience changes in their body such as menstruation and telekinetic powers, and boys get hard.

Synopsis

In this film adaptation of Stephen King’s first novel, Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) is a super sheltered teenage girl being raised by a religious fanatic mother while going to high school. In the first scene, we see Carrie experience her first menstruation in the girls locker room and she is utterly unequipped and humiliated. She’s relentlessly bullied by the other girls, and as a result they are punished and some seek revenge.

The film shows Carrie’s journey from being an outcast to being a self actualized young woman, albeit in a tragic way. All along the audience is privy and sympathetic to the trainwreck slowly unfolding.

Review of Carrie

Carrie was a surprise hit in 1976. Off of a budget of 1.6 million, it grossed over 30 million in the box office. Brian DePalma, the director, skillfully adapted King’s novel to the screen. There are two other Carrie adaptations, but this 1976 version is the only one that is unforgettable.

It walks the line between dark comedy, horror, melodrama successfully. The over the top cruelty and humiliation portrayed in the film don’t seem ridiculous in the setting of high school, because they represent the inner distorted world that every teenager experiences in high school. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a teenager’s imaginary audience.

Some of the characters are more caricatures than people, but the one that counts most is Carrie, and all the others serve to make hers compelling and believable. Her reactions and countenance seem insane until you meet her fanatic mother, and the pieces all fall into place.

The film deserves it’s place as one of the most iconic horror movies of all time. It’s enjoyable and unforgettable. It’s unique, strange, and somehow extremely relatable.

Score

10/10

We watched Hatchet on Tubi and were treated to one of the most generic comedic slashers I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

Synopsis

Twenty somethings are in New Orleans and decide it will be fun to go on a haunted swamp tour. 

What they don’t realize is that this is Victor Crowley’s (Kane Hodder) swamp.

Who is Victor Crowley? Besides being a close personal friend of Ozzy Osborne, he is a troubled man who lived a troubled life full of cruelty inflicted upon him by local kids. Victor’s ghost(?) now haunts the swamp where he was tragically killed by happenstance and tragedy.

Everyone gets way more ripped apart than they bargained for.

Review

I chose to review Hatchet because I’m having a hard time in my personal life and this seemed like the kind of thing that I could handle.

I was right. There is nothing here to make me feel feelings. Just mindless distraction in the form of sex, violence, and heinous monstrosities against God.

The comedy is without feeling. The violence is without warrant. The concept is as old as film. Monster bad – but monster also tragic – but get out of my swamp.

There are attempts at comedy that do not land. There is gratuitous violence that sloshes buckets of blood all over the place. There are even hot girls shooting softcore porno.

Watch Hatchet (2006)

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Adam Green is the director of Hatchet, which is clearly an homage to 80’s and 90’s slashers the likes of Candyman, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th. 

Green manages to conjure all of the basics from these legendary slasher titles with absolutely none of the heart of any of them. 

Horror icons Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Tony Todd are featured in hatchet. Todd and Englund as fun cameos and Hodder as Crowley himself.

This is as boring and lifeless a movie as I can imagine and it helped me through a tough time.

Sometimes a mindless waste of time filled with brimming buckets of blood is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Hatchet proves that movies don’t have to be good or fun or anything but a waste of time. 

Score

4/10