The Horror Virgin

“It’s kind of like an incel found a monkey’s paw.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Obsession. This film has everything: Cinderblock cockblocking, post-traumatic stress dinners, And white-picket-fence lives built on questionably enchanted chemistry. If you love Calvin Klein horror fragrances, music-store staffing conspiracies, and Canadian Fruitopia dealers, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Backrooms

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“It’s clearly haunted. You dodged a bullet. Don’t chase that bullet down.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel. This film has everything: hotel-fucking ghost hunters, rocket-scientist sex magic, And selectively enforced body-cam rules. If you love drop-ceiling gallows, Go Fish jam bands, and arguments held safely outside, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Obsession

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“Alien King George can go fuck yourself.”

This week's scariest movie is... Independence Day. This film has everything: Fruitopia Breakthroughs, Dolphin Wives, And a movie so good there is No Way it's a Michael Bay Film. If you love 90s smoke shows, holy pigeon plot logic, and alien ship nipples, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Hell House LLC II: The Aberdeen Hotel

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“We are not going to win against people who smoke nukes.”

This week's scariest movie is... Mars Attacks! This film has everything: aggressive Martian accents, capitalist bike baskets, And cape-couture command structures. If you love failed cow barbecues, fully glazed donut prophets, and trickle-down chandeliers, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Independence Day

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“Rocks are only hard if you're touching them.”

This week's scariest movie is... Apollo 18. This film has everything: B-52 moon crabs, "landliens", And Lennart Ruth’s space steakhouse. If you love Party City strobe lights, moon-cavern Nazis, and cameras with first names, this episode's for you!

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Next: Mars Attacks!

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“This is 40 minutes of story in a two hour bag.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Life. This film has everything: terribly timed funerals, aliens in trucker hats, And a starfish Borg. If you love space claw machines, Goodnight Moon emergencies, and quadrupedal animal debates, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Apollo 18

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“Have you heard the good news about Space Pope?"

This week’s scariest movie is... No One Will Save You. This film has everything: nine-hat endings, tall gray nerds, And Raccoon and Fat Squirrel chaos. If you love memory noodles, miniature-town murder weapons, and UFOs with Cheesecake Factory menu vision, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Life (2017)

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"This sets up that the alien universe has a space Pope."

The Horror Virgin: This week's scariest movie is... Alien Resurrection. This film has everything: space’s least safe weapons program. Vengeful raccoon xenomorphs. And lava being asked to do ice’s job. If you love loose hybrids, Space Pope theology, and science that loses a fight with basic temperature, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: No One Will Save You (2023)

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“Worst Danzig biopic ever.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Mother! This film has everything: Another, another testament of Jesus Christ, Monkey Ghosts, And an anti-Jesus TED Talk. If you love Sunday School pamphlet subtlety, Sherwin-Williams therapy sessions, and Garden of Eden doorknob murders, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Alien: Resurrection

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"Battlefield Earth for Christians.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Constantine. This film has everything: the would-be Nick Fury of the Christian Expanded Universe, John Constantine the Baptist, And your parents’ smug satisfaction. If you love holy brass knuckles, kitty-powered trips to hell, and fake relics with real confidence, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Mother! (2017)

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