Charon Gone Fishing: An Undivine Comedy

Please abandon all hope, ye who enter here. You did? Excellent! Come closer. Do not be afraid. This is it. You actually did it. You rambled, gambled, back-stabbed, cheated, evaded taxes, devoured fast food and listened to bad pop music all the way to Hell. Now that you are here, please allow me to show you around your unhappily ever after. You will find it not all that different from the world you left behind. You may even learn to like it. We have it all – treason, corruption, bad sanitation, rampant consumerism and malfunctioning home appliances. You can spend your endless nights by engaging in the sins of your choice or visit one of our torture chambers where you will be subjected to an exciting variety of excruciatingly painful torments – brought to you by our dedicated and unfriendly staff. You will spend your eternity in one of the Seven Circles of Hell… for your inconvenience, they are named after the days of the week… so you just might end up living in a perpetual Monday. You will get to meet many awesome and terrifying creatures like medusas, centaurs, mermaids, imps, Cyclops, Cerberus and, if you are unlucky enough, your ex-wife. Who is that odd-looking demon in a tweed jacket? That’s Charon – our Infernal Clint Eastwood lookalike and your boatman should you have the displeasure of crossing the river Styx. You don’t need to worry about him… as long as you behave. This brings us to the final point of the introduction to your afterlife. You may hear about some sort of insurgency brewing in the Circle Monday. You may see graffiti sprayed here and there proclaiming the arrival of a sinner messiah. Trust none of it. Just relax and enjoy your eternal pain and suffering… or I’ll lay your soul to waste. Who am I? Well, suffice it to say that I am a man of wealth and taste. I have been around for a long, long year and stole many a man’s soul and faith. I do hope you guessed my name!

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